Expectations vs Reality: You’re Never Too Young For a Midlife Crisis.

You probably thought a midlife crisis was something your parents go through- like buying a motorbike or getting some obscene tattoo/ haircut, prompted by the realization that their life is more than halfway over. But what if someone told you at age 20, that you were just 5 years away from your very own midlife crisis? Lucky chaps. My post looks at the new ‘Quarter life crisis’ that seems to be hitting our generation like a train. 

So why are so many young people entering a premature crisis at the age of 25? An interesting article by The Daily Mail highlighted this issue, saying that “Today’s young adults often struggle with the multitude of options available, driving them to feel anxiety, depression and a sense of being trapped or ‘locked into’ a marriage or a job that doesn’t feel right.” So is it the expectation of how we should be living, prompting this early midlife crisis?

Expectation. It’s a frightening word, isn’t it? We all have expectations about how our lives will be/ how they would have been at the age of 25; a degree, full time job, a car, a stable relationship and maybe a house. And whilst many young adults strive towards, what I like to call as, life’s holy grail (a job, partner and fulfillment,) many are simply not finding themselves in this position. The fact is, whilst young people are successfully completing their degrees (which they believe to be their key to a full time job), many are struggling to find them and end up settling with an unfulfilling post, largely unrelated to their degree.

But whilst many are trying to fulfill these job/ relationship expectations, many are showing a desperate attempt to resist them by, for example, staying single for longer, playing the field, rather than committing. Unlike my grand parents who met in Aberystwyth University in the 1950s and married shortly afterwards, many are choosing to stay single and pursue their careers before settling down. And how do they satisfy their loneliness? Casual hook ups which are easily accessible, thanks to social networking. Many argue that they just do not have the time for little more than a Tinder hook up. But has our generation become so inward looking and career driven that they are leaving little or no time to actually get to know someone. 

There seems to be this idea that “relationships can wait until later” and that there will be plenty of time for the serious stuff once careers are fully established. But some research seems to suggest that a string of casual hook ups can be more damaging than liberating to the way we conduct ourselves in later relationships, according to an article on psychologytoday.com. If we become more cynical about sex and relationships, then will we find it more difficult to break the habit and form fully functional relationships when we finally “feel ready”?

Furthermore this liberating choice to stay single on the pursuit of success can be conflicting with what’s going on in our friend’s relationships. This might cause us to feel pressured about finding a life time partner. Having been invited to 7 weddings within a 2 year period, my own 23 year old sister has begun showing signs of this quarter life crisis. Cry. One minute you graduate and suddenly people are settling down and tying the knot, making you wonder if you’re one step behind everyone else.

The 2005 movie ‘The Last Kiss,’ with the tagline “You’re never too young for a midlife crisis,” perfectly captures the essence of what it feels like to have demands thrust upon you in your 20s and the bizarre ways in which we try to deal with these pressures. Zach Braff plays an unmarried twenty something year old who finds out his girlfriend is pregnant with their [unplanned] first child. Bombarded by friends in different romantic situations: getting married, failing relationships, having children, staying single, Braff feels trapped in a situation he didn’t plan. In his attempt to regain control of his life, he finds himself having an affair with a college student before realizing that he might have lost the love of his life.

We never find out if the mother of his child forgives him, but what we can take from the film is that this urge to resist demand and expectation can lead to us making selfish choices that we may come to regret. Perhaps if we stop chasing material possessions/ careers for a moment and accept what life throws at us (in the form of potential partners and exciting life opportunities) we can experience real satisfaction in life and avoid the quarter life crisis. 

 

 

  

 

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1383684/Most-25-35-year-olds-suffering-quarter-life-crisis.html#ixzz3BWoSz4GM

 

Men and Women: In The Midst of an Identity Crisis?

Does society ask itself what it means to be a man or indeed, a woman? Do men and women know what they are “supposed to do” anymore? Labour MP Diane Abott claims not, according to an article released by The Guardian in May of last year. But I want to ask the true significance of being a man or woman in today’s society and how society has socially constructed the terms “male and female.”

Growing up, we are shaped first and foremost by the morals and beliefs held by our parents or guardians. These morals, beliefs and practices are then intercepted by other external influences; school, friends, politics, even media- all contributing to the formation of our identity. Although we have all been given the gift of self determinism (the ability to make our own mind up,) these external influences have an undoubted effect on our own thoughts. 

I myself have had what you could call, a ‘conventional’ family upbringing. My parents have been together for 28 years, I have one elder brother and sister… and a dog. As a child, I was given certain toys that were deemed suitable for a female to play with: a baby doll, a toy kitchen… even a bubble-blowing lawnmower (my personal favourite.) So it then goes without saying that a female who grew up in a single-parent family with 5 brothers, who was given a painter’s easel and a doctors and nurses set to play with, would probably have a very different idea of what it means to be female.

As a little girl, I also learnt what to expect from the opposite sex and how they should act. You could say that these beliefs were also conventional: when I grew up, all the days spent playing kiss chase and pretend weddings would pay off when I marry a real man who would take me on dates and have eyes for no one but me.

Before my post starts to poke at your gagging reflex, you’ll be relieved that I soon discovered that this was simply no longer the way men and women functioned. I set myself upon reaching higher goals than getting married and found satisfaction with the increasing independence as I got older. However, much to my disappointment, I became increasingly aware that men were not behaving in the way I wished them to (in the respectful, gentlemanly- like manner I expected.) 

So why is this? I can only think of one reason… the reason being feminism. The dynamic of women’s roles (domestic-turned- professional) had changed so dramatically over the years, it occurred to me that men might be equally as confused as I was about how the two sexes were supposed to behave. 

Having read my first article on female identity, a male friend commented on how similar men and women had become and that even women were “acting like men” (calling each other “bitches” and being more promiscuous- previously deemed by psychologists to be a male evolutionary attribute.) In a Western society where sexuality, for the most part can be expressed freely and many people are growing up in single parented families, it is not surprising that this has changed. Sometimes the unconventional can be a good thing and it can challenge the social norms that society has created. However when it comes to the dynamics of dating and relationships, do we have a serious problem here?

Have men taken feminism to heart so much that they now believe women to be machines capable of emotionless one night stands and flings? There seems to be a general consensus between young people (seen on the likes of Twitter and Facebook) that feelings are a sign of weakness and even a problem in an increasingly common casual sexual exchange between two people rather than a meaningful pursuit. Women are undoubtedly having more casual relationships and one night stands in 2014, where career prospects are often taking precedence over committed relationships. However, will it get to a point where we no longer know the joy of feeling the natural human emotion of love and the satisfaction and fulfillment in these feelings being reciprocated by another person? 

In a dating world possessed by opportunistic sex, a rejection towards feelings and commitment and where ‘sensitivity’ is a dirty, feeble word; perhaps we should go back to basics and start treating people as feeling human beings, not a sexual appliance to be used at our convenience… in which case you might benefit from a blow up doll.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

You, Me and my Phone: The Signs of Modern Dating.

Move over awkward best ‘friends,’ there’s a new third wheel in the room…and it’s probably in your hand right now. Following my article about female identity, I have decided to look further into the implications of media and technology upon modern dating; particularly that of your iPhone, tablet or Android which have become instrumental in the formation, maintenance and breaking up of relationships today. 

Never before has it been so easy to create contact with new people, ex lovers and old friends. In fact, social networking has almost made it impossible for us to ignore these people- with photos, relationship statuses and tweets appearing on our homepages every few seconds. Good news for professionals though who claim a lack of time when it comes to meeting people with the emergence of online dating websites and apps. We rely so heavily on our phones and tablets to create/ maintain relationships, it must be asked how beneficial the excessive use of technology is for relationships…and could they potentially be responsible for their demise? 

My previous article discussed the internalization by men that women are sexual objects. This is clearly evident in some of the interesting and desperate methods used by men on Tinder for opportunistic, casual sex. Some say it with a ‘dick pic,’ others with a straight up “Do you want it?” or “Let’s skip the bullshit and bond over a movie night.” This has often left me, myself in stitches of laughter. However it is worrying that the sheer majority just want sex and are not interested in how witty, intelligent or funny you are as a person. You are entirely at liberty to say yes or no, but the lack of respect for the person on the receiving end of your propositions cannot be a good thing. 

If you are extremely lucky, you might get a couple of dates out of the app and, for the lucky few (like some friends of mine) it actually leads to something more. But why is this case such a rarity? We make ourselves so readily available to others today, a whole plethora of contact methods are out there: iMessage, SMS, Whatsapp, Snapchat, Facebook, which make people almost unavoidable. It seems that we can get many of the perks of a relationship (without actually making any commitment to the other person) on our own phones, such as a solution to our loneliness, conversation and even virtual sex. Furthermore, as is often the case, this kind of virtual friendship/ casual relationship could be taking place with multiple people at once. 

I so commonly hear friends’ anxiety over the fear that the person they are “seeing” or “speaking to,” might be speaking to someone else at the same time. This is often the case even when real relationships are established. There is so much choice out there that it can often leave us unsure of what we really want and once we get it, is it ever enough? Can we resist temptation when it is presented to us on a plate? It seems we no longer just have to fear ex- girlfriends or jealous best friends; the biggest threat to your relationship might be sitting quietly in your pocket…until the vibrate notification comes through!

Even Durex posted a video campaign urging couples to “Switch it off” and talk to each other, rather than being distracted by the other world living inside your phone. Banksy’s work of art entitled ‘Mobile Lovers,’ which shows a couple embracing whilst looking at their phones says it all. There’s no doubt that technology can be a wonderful thing and broaden our social horizons, but sometimes we need to switch it off, embrace life and get to know the person right in front of us in order for real, healthy relationships to be formed.