Polyamory: The Sexual Board-game (2+ players)

Are all humans naturally monogamous? What if someone told you that you could have several sexual partners all at once? Sound appealing to you? Then welcome to the world of Polyamory, where you can do just about anything within your relationship(s)…and no, it doesn’t count as cheating. But is the Polyamorous land of milk and honey(s) a true reflection of natural human instinct? Or just infidelity without shame?

Amongst all the petty arguments and posh talk, reality TV show Made in Chelsea has actually sparked some interesting debate in the media recently. Following a trip across the Atlantic to the culturally diverse city of New York, the Chelsea crew have made themselves some new and interesting friends, not to mention getting acquainted with the city’s casual dating scene. Enter newbie, Jules; a model with long term girlfriend and Versace model, Jana. They’ve been dating for three years and seem to be a loving couple…except for one minor detail- they’re dating other people, too. I must admit, polyamory was an entirely new concept to me. I was always aware that some men in particular struggle with the concept of monogamy (leading to cheating) but was completely unaware of this new “ethical” dating revolution which made this okay.

But before we begin the debate about monogamy vs. polygamy, we need to define the two concepts. According to Oxford Dictionaries: ‘Monogamy’ refers to “the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.” There is also a sub type named ‘Serial monogamy’ which refers to having a series of monogamous relationships. Most humans are deemed to be serially monogamous along with Emperor Penguins. It seems that animals such as mute swans and wolves are actually more monogamous than us humans!

So you’re playing a game of Monopoly and you’ve just landed on Islington. You’ve got a house on that street already and money is running quite low. However you realize that by building another house, the return profit could be quite satisfying. Do you play it safe, or do you take a chance and extend your ownership? Of course when we’re talking about Polyamory, we’re not talking about monetary risk and profits but about sexual profits and emotional risk. Yes, you’re going to get sexual fulfillment and gratification when you want it, but how do you protect others from getting hurt, despite knowing about your other sexual pursuits?

Made in Chelsea’s Jules and Jana claim to have read “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities” by Dossie Easton and Catherine. A. Liszt. The book introduces a concept where the reader can live a life with several sexual partners at once and address the emotional risks such as jealousy, conflict and even how to orchestrate group sexual encounters (i.e. a ménage à trois…or an orgy). Now, if you’ve read my article on pejorative usage of the word ‘slut’, you’ll know I’m not its biggest fan. However, the book is one of ‘slut”s reclaiments: acknowledging the term as  “a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.” This sort of infers that we are resisting our want and need for pleasure with multiple people at once as it deviates from what most Western societies tell us is right. And it does seem plausible that society’s cultural norms can be oppressive on people with “radicalized” views on sex and relationships.

However, if polyamory is the natural course for us humans to take, then why are so many against its practice? When Made in Chelsea’s Jules revealed his polyamory to Rosie (whom he had been seeing whilst dating three other women,) she was disgusted at the concept of sharing a love interest. She argued that it was greedy, impulsive and an attempt at justifying sleeping with lots of women. Jules’ own long term girlfriend even confessed that she was horrified at the concept of the Ethical Slut before reading Easton and Liszt’s book. We don’t actually know why she agreed to it in the end. Fear of losing her long term boyfriend altogether perhaps?..quite possibly.  When we think of the consequences of sleeping with lots of individuals at once; STDs for example, then it really makes us question whether polygamy actually goes against nature, rather than running alongside it.

Furthermore, when you ask yourself what a romantic relationship actually means; sexual fulfillment is just one element of it. What about exclusivity, i.e having a sense of belonging with one individual? By disregarding the exclusive nature of a relationship and looking for/ having sex with other people, you immediately undermine and disrespect the grounds on which a relationship is built. Despite the Ethical Slut being openly honest about their practices, it doesn’t really make it okay and acceptable to everyone, thus why Jules claims to “experience rejection regularly” and that people are “narrow-minded” about his sexuality.

Ultimately, polyamorous individuals argue that cheating always goes on in apparently monogamous relationships, but polyamorous people are more open about it. However this is simply not the case with every relationship or marriage and we mustn’t use this concept of ‘Polyamory’ as an excuse for deceiving our partners, being greedy, impulsive and unable to resist temptation (and temptation will always exist)- if not for our own self respect but for the respect of the feelings of others. This idea that you can love somebody so much that the relationship is unbreakable and can withstand polyamory seems extremely selfish…a motive which a healthy relationship should not be built on. After all, the natural human emotional responses of jealousy, anger, hurt and conflict that come with finding out that you have been sharing a lover with someone else are tell tale signs that polyamory is not natural… and that males or females should not accept anything less than total commitment in a relationship.

Expectations vs Reality: You’re Never Too Young For a Midlife Crisis.

You probably thought a midlife crisis was something your parents go through- like buying a motorbike or getting some obscene tattoo/ haircut, prompted by the realization that their life is more than halfway over. But what if someone told you at age 20, that you were just 5 years away from your very own midlife crisis? Lucky chaps. My post looks at the new ‘Quarter life crisis’ that seems to be hitting our generation like a train. 

So why are so many young people entering a premature crisis at the age of 25? An interesting article by The Daily Mail highlighted this issue, saying that “Today’s young adults often struggle with the multitude of options available, driving them to feel anxiety, depression and a sense of being trapped or ‘locked into’ a marriage or a job that doesn’t feel right.” So is it the expectation of how we should be living, prompting this early midlife crisis?

Expectation. It’s a frightening word, isn’t it? We all have expectations about how our lives will be/ how they would have been at the age of 25; a degree, full time job, a car, a stable relationship and maybe a house. And whilst many young adults strive towards, what I like to call as, life’s holy grail (a job, partner and fulfillment,) many are simply not finding themselves in this position. The fact is, whilst young people are successfully completing their degrees (which they believe to be their key to a full time job), many are struggling to find them and end up settling with an unfulfilling post, largely unrelated to their degree.

But whilst many are trying to fulfill these job/ relationship expectations, many are showing a desperate attempt to resist them by, for example, staying single for longer, playing the field, rather than committing. Unlike my grand parents who met in Aberystwyth University in the 1950s and married shortly afterwards, many are choosing to stay single and pursue their careers before settling down. And how do they satisfy their loneliness? Casual hook ups which are easily accessible, thanks to social networking. Many argue that they just do not have the time for little more than a Tinder hook up. But has our generation become so inward looking and career driven that they are leaving little or no time to actually get to know someone. 

There seems to be this idea that “relationships can wait until later” and that there will be plenty of time for the serious stuff once careers are fully established. But some research seems to suggest that a string of casual hook ups can be more damaging than liberating to the way we conduct ourselves in later relationships, according to an article on psychologytoday.com. If we become more cynical about sex and relationships, then will we find it more difficult to break the habit and form fully functional relationships when we finally “feel ready”?

Furthermore this liberating choice to stay single on the pursuit of success can be conflicting with what’s going on in our friend’s relationships. This might cause us to feel pressured about finding a life time partner. Having been invited to 7 weddings within a 2 year period, my own 23 year old sister has begun showing signs of this quarter life crisis. Cry. One minute you graduate and suddenly people are settling down and tying the knot, making you wonder if you’re one step behind everyone else.

The 2005 movie ‘The Last Kiss,’ with the tagline “You’re never too young for a midlife crisis,” perfectly captures the essence of what it feels like to have demands thrust upon you in your 20s and the bizarre ways in which we try to deal with these pressures. Zach Braff plays an unmarried twenty something year old who finds out his girlfriend is pregnant with their [unplanned] first child. Bombarded by friends in different romantic situations: getting married, failing relationships, having children, staying single, Braff feels trapped in a situation he didn’t plan. In his attempt to regain control of his life, he finds himself having an affair with a college student before realizing that he might have lost the love of his life.

We never find out if the mother of his child forgives him, but what we can take from the film is that this urge to resist demand and expectation can lead to us making selfish choices that we may come to regret. Perhaps if we stop chasing material possessions/ careers for a moment and accept what life throws at us (in the form of potential partners and exciting life opportunities) we can experience real satisfaction in life and avoid the quarter life crisis. 

 

 

  

 

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1383684/Most-25-35-year-olds-suffering-quarter-life-crisis.html#ixzz3BWoSz4GM